Look Who’s Talking
by Ethel Lee-Miller DTM
It was afternoon rush hour in the city as I parked my car, locked it, and started to walk away.
A voice behind me said, “Your car is ugly.”
This caught my attention. I turned just in time to see a woman stride toward my parked car and rip the windshield wiper off.
Brandishing it, she came at me yelling, “I hate those cars. All people who buy orange station wagons stupid and crazy.”
This definitely got my attention. My years of self-defense training leaped to the fore.
“Oh, no you don’t,” I heard myself say.
Without thinking, I twisted her arm and used the weight of my body to push her up against the wall. The police arrived. This ended our dialogue.

Now, we had engaged in some back and forth talk. We had a connection of sorts. I got a reality check . I wasn’t crazy. I had considered the source of this message. The orange car hater had no credibility with me, yelling, attacking me on the street. I totally dismissed what she said about me. End of situation.
Here’s another conversation. I’m in my karate class a few years ago. I’m practicing to go on for a promotion for my next belt. I have to break two boards with a side kick.
A voice says, “You’re crazy. You can’t do that. You’re too old.”
And you know what? I couldn’t break those boards. The scary and sad part was the voice was my own. I had considered the source. I did not check reality. I believed a lie.
SELF-TALK is a kind of internal dialogue that goes on between my “self” and me. Everyone has these dialogues, both internal (just me), and external (with others). This is a kind of back and forth talk. There is some level of connection. There’s a reality check with a message sent to the “self”. This happens very quickly.
We all have negative and positive self-talk. It comes from messages about ourselves that we have accepted as true.
Believing negative self-talk stops my growth, chips away at my self -esteem, and warps my self-image. Negative self-talk is sometimes outdated as far as cultural and age expectations.
Parents or other significant adults have often programmed it in . “You can’t do that. You’re too young.” Or authority figures. “It’s against the rules.” Or, (and we’ve all heard this one), “But it’s always been done that way.”
We can have foggy self-perceptions that swirl around us in mists of vague verbal negativity. “I’m not tall enough... short enough...skinny enough... strong enough… rich enough.”” “I’m too old...too young.”
Here’s one that is often perceived as a gentle personality characteristic but can be a huge roadblock to confidence. “I’m too shy.” It has stopped people from a social activity like going to a party or joining Toastmasters, which would definitely help reduce the debilitating power of that shyness.
Negative self-talk can be rooted in culture. “Girls can’t be architects, boys can’t be dancers.” “You can’t be a success if you don’t go to college.” Then when you finally decide to go to college, “What? Go back to school now? You must be crazy!”
If my mind is like a neighborhood, each message about myself is a house. If most of my houses are filled with negative self-talk, I’m in a bad neighborhood, a place I don’t want to go. Very often, people with lots of negative self-talk, do just that. They don’t go anywhere.
I heard somewhere, that for every three positive messages we receive about ourselves in life, there are twenty negative ones directed at us. I better make sure my self-talk has lots of positive messages to dispute those negatives.
Here are three tools I recommend for polishing up your own self talk:

FIRST TOOL. Be willing to do major remodeling of your message houses. My ceilings were way too low (low expectations) and the rooms were far too narrow (narrow-minded thinking). Frequently single words were trap doors to doom. You’ve heard them. “I’m just a housewife.” “I’m just a middle manager.” “ I only came in second.” “I’m not smart enough.” Throw out those doom words- only, just, yeah but, can’t.
People suggested I decorate my house (literally, by using post-its) with messages to myself. “You can do this.” “You are a winner!” What seemed like a difficult new task gradually became an easy habit.
SECOND TOOL. Begin to believe in a simplistic division of people into two categories: Cheerleaders and Foggers. Cheerleaders are just that - positive, energetic, people who believe in win-win ideas that support me and, therefore, us.
When I say, I am going back to school, a cheerleader says, “Wow, that’s great!”
When I say I joined Toastmasters, they reply, “Cool! Can I come too?”
Then there are the foggers. Foggers don’t give a clear picture of life. Visualize a foggy day; it’s hard to see ahead of you. Or after taking a shower; the bathroom mirror gets all steamed up and foggy and you can’t see your reflection. That’s what foggers are like. They don’t reflect an accurate picture of who you are.
I think most foggers are not trying to hurt or put us down, they are merely using life to try to ward off their own fears.
When I said, “I’m going back to school” my fogger associate said, “Aren’t you going to be embarrassed with all those kids?” I realize today this was about her and not me. She was embarrassed but I was not.
When I foolishly shared my dream of being a public speaker, my misguided fogger snickered, “ Yeah, another Tony Robbins, right?”
Stick with the cheerleaders. Do not share your dreams with foggers.
THIRD TOOL. Envy. Envy can be a helpful quality. Watching other people has helped me figure out what I wanted in life. Happiness in a relationship like my sister. Owning my own home like my teaching colleague. Hearing Shatki Gawain speak and feeling an excited ripple in my stomach. I want to do that! For seven years, I was a fulltime public speaker and seminar leader in a successful and personally rewarding career.
Once I use one or more of these tools I am ready to be my own cheerleader and your supporter, any time.
Ethel Lee-Miller has her BA in Education and MA in Counseling. Upon retiring from 28 years in the education field, she began her second career of counseling and personal coaching.
She joined Toastmasters in 1997 and obtained the highest certificate of Distinguished Toastmaster as well as her Advanced Leader status. In her business, Enhanced Life Management, she brought her life skill workshops and lively seminars, and keynote speeches to corporations and organizations in the tri-state area.
Currently she has turned to writing about her personal experiences in her memoir, Thinking of Miller Place , and turning the ELM life skill programs into articles for publication.
Ethel can be reached for keynote, panel moderator, and speaking and reading engagements at 973 709 0266 or ethleem@optonline.net . Regional Rep for the International Women’s Writing Guild, member Montclair Write Group, Scriveners Writers, and Memoir and Muffins Writing Group.




Ethel Lee-Miller
Enhanced Life Management- Life Skills Articles, Essays and Stories 973.709.0266
Regional Representative for The International Women's Writing Guild, Co-Founder of Scriveners Writing Group, Member of The Write Group of Montclair , Memoir and Muffins